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Your Girlfriend Wants to be Your Friend Many of us have heard this story before. You have been going out with a girl for a while, things seem to be progressing well, and you may have even been intimate. Then one day she springs the news on you and says, "let's just be friends."
At first you are destroyed. You don't know what you did wrong or what you could have done right to prevent this occurrence. Your ersatz girlfriend looks into your eyes, smiling, and says "we will still see each other, we will be good friends." 1.What does she mean when she says "let's just be friends?"
2.What does she expect out of the friendship?
3.Does she really need a male friend?
4.And finally, what do you get out of this deal? To begin this discussion, let's first look at a definition of friendship. Wikipedia defines friendship, "as the cooperation and supportive relationship between two or more people." This definition therefore has the qualities of mutual affection, knowledge of each other circumstances, and mutual esteem.
This definition also implies, that both parties in this relationship will help each other in times of crisis and need. They will have a sense of empathy and sympathy for each other, as well as a mutual understanding of the other person's personal history.
In general, does the woman need this type of relationship? We all know that usually women are much more social than men are. Most women have little problem forming deep social relationships with others. Of course, this is primarily done in the setting of women on women relationships. They shop together, go out to lunch together, and tell each other their innermost thoughts.
Men, on the other hand, usually do not have such relationships. Most men are concerned mostly with workplace and money issues. It is somewhat unusual for men to go shopping together, eat lunch together outside of working hours, and share their innermost thoughts with each other. The reasons for this are multiple and sociological. Needless to say, throughout the history of time, men have been going off to war, off to sea, and often off to die. This has enabled women, throughout history, to be able to form deep, lasting relationships with one another. The point being is that in general, a woman does not need a man to be your friend. Most attractive and desirable women already have plenty of friends, and do not need your friendship.
What then, is this woman looking for in the story we told at the beginning? In short, the woman is looking for the promise or prospect of favors from the man. The man may feel that if he is truly a friend, and gives all he can, she will eventually love him and move the relationship forward towards intimacy. She, on the other hand, feels no responsibility to move the relationship forward. If the man presses, she will simply tell him, "I told you that we were just friends." She has required unconditional love on his part but only gives conditional attention on her part. So, what does the man get out of this type of relationship? Normally, the man gets nothing. He is seeking after a dream which will never come true. If a man was ever able to tell a woman "let's just be friends," we would say that the man did not have the courage or the character to tell the woman that the relationship was not working out. With the woman, however it is often considered appropriate behavior. On both sides, however, it is still the same situation and is inappropriate.
So when a woman says "Dear John" you should say "have a good life."
© 2010, William Marzullo
William G. Marzullo, MD, a freelance writer and e-book author is published in both the medical and relationship literature areas. He is a family practice physician with broad international experience in medicine and author of the e-book, "Get That Girlfriend." The accompanying website http://www.get-that-girlfriend.com, is dedicated to positive dating experiences. See other dating articles at http://ezinearticles.com/?Giving-Your-Boyfriend-Or-Girlfriend-Money---Should-You-Do-it?&id=4006137.
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